The player can engage in an insult mini-game by challenging various Bards planted in inns and taverns throughout Skyrim.
The player can learn the basics of the game, and their first few insults and retorts, by speaking to a Wood Elf named Peras after completing the quest "Tending the Flames".
Alternatively, if the player speaks to the Dark Elf named Loliah at the party during the quest "Music, Merriment, and Muckrakers" they will also be quickly taught the game by Helvana.
After learning the game, the player can challenge various Bards - these can be identified by their names, which show their rank in the game (see Ranking Up section below).
A Duel of Wit is started by issuing a challenge in dialogue to a Bard. That Bard will then demand a wager be placed, and if the player agrees, the duel begins. The amount of the wager is determined by the duelist rank of the Bard (see chart below).
The player always starts by choosing an Insult they know. The opponent then gets a chance to Retort. If the Retort matches the Insult, the round ends in a draw; if the opponent doesn't know the correct Retort, the Insulter scores a point.
The next round reverses so that the opponent delivers the Insult, and the player must choose the correct Retort to avoid the opponent scoring a point.
Once an Insult is used in a Duel, it cannot be used again in that same duel by the player or their opponent. Early on in their "career", it can end up that the player will have no legal Insults left and will have to choose from a few back-up options that don't read like insults at all.
This continues for 6 total rounds (player delivers 3 insults, and the opponent delivers 3), at which point the game ends and the reward is given out based on the result. If the player has more points, they receive double the wager; if both players had the same number of points, the player receives their wager back; and if the opponent had more points, the player receives no gold, but the opponent will offer them a piece of advice on how to defeat opponents of a certain culture (see Cultural Insults section below).
If the player walks away from a duel without completing it, they automatically lose and forfeit their wager.
After the player defeats a duelist, they will need to wait at least 24 hours before that Bard will accept another battle against them.
Once the player hears an Insult or Retort in a duel, any future time they duel, that option will be available for them to use.
Each Insult has an invisible rank associated with it, meaning that it is more likely to appear among duelists of that rank. Those same duelists are also more likely to know the Retorts to Insults of lesser ranks.
Players will need to challenge a wide variety of ranked opponents from different cultural backgrounds to build up their repetoire of Insults and Retorts.
Some insults are culturally specific. These will only be used by Bards from that background, and Bards from some other cultures will have almost no chance of knowing the Retort.
These are extremely powerful for defeating higher ranked duelists as hitting them with Insults from their cultural opposite will guarantee a point.
The opposite is also true - using a Cultural Insult against someone of that same background will guarantee they know the Retort!
The table below shows how much more likely duelists of each culture are to know the Retorts to another culture's Insults. These numbers are added as modifiers to the default chance a duelist has, which is based on their rank (see chart in Ranking Up section).
| Nord | Imperial | Breton | Redguard | Altmer | Dunmer | Bosmer | Orsimer | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Nord | +100% | +5% | -5% | -10% | -100% | N/A | N/A | +10% |
| Imperial | +5% | +100% | N/A | N/A | +10% | -5% | -10% | -100% |
| Breton | -5% | N/A | +100% | +10% | N/A | +5% | -100% | -10% |
| Redguard | -10% | N/A | +10% | +100% | N/A | -100% | -5% | +5% |
| Altmer | -100% | +10% | N/A | N/A | +100% | N/A | +10% | -10% |
| Dunmer | N/A | -5% | +5% | -100% | N/A | +100% | -5% | +10% |
| Bosmer | N/A | -10% | -100% | -5% | +10% | -5% | +100% | -15% |
| Orsimer | +10% | -100% | -10% | +5% | -10% | +10% | -15% | +100% |
In the above chart, red is a disadvantage for using those cultural insults against those people, and green represents an advantage. N/A entries mean no advantage or disadvantage.
Once per duel, when an opponent uses an Insult the player doesn't know the Retort for, there is a chance the player's character can think up a Retort on their own. When this occurs, a message in the corner will tell the player that a fitting Retort came to them, and the appropriate Retort for that Insult will be added to their options and available from then on in duels.
This chance is influenced by three factors - the player's Speechcraft skill, the rank of their opponent, and the origin culture of the Insult.
The player begins the game with no rank at all. After the player defeats their 5th opponent, they will be told to seek out the Novice Champion, and will be given a miscellaneous marker pointing him out.
Rank Champions (Bosses) are named characters found in specific locations. They cannot be challenged until after the player has had at least 5 victories at their current rank.
Boss Battles play out the same as normal, except that there are 10 rounds (5 insults for each participant) and the Champion will know Insults from the next rank up.
After defeating a Champion, the player will be awarded that Champion's rank, and future battles against that person will revert to a typical 6 round bout.
The higher the player's rank, the more likely they will find duelists at the next rank up - providing more opportunities to learn new Insults and Retorts.
| Rank | Wager | Retort Modifier | Champion | Location |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Novice Naysayer | 25 | +20% | Fulgof (Nord) | Sleeping Giant Inn in Riverwood |
| Apprentice Insulter | 100 | +30% | Cerulye (Altmer) | Winking Skeever in Solitude |
| Journeyman Ridiculer | 250 | +40% | Gryf (Breton) | The Bee and Barb in Riften |
| Adept Belittler | 500 | +50% | Tadis (Dunmer) | Moorside Inn in Morthal |
| Master Taunter | 1000 | +60% | Nazzim (Redguard) | Silver-Blood Inn in Markarth |
| Legendary Offender | 2500 | +70% | Rogdul (Orsimer) | Candlehearth Hall in Windhelm |
Once the player defeats the Legendary Offender Champion, they will be given a Miscellaneous objective to seek out Bjorn Skaldbeard which starts a small unlabled quest that leads to the "Fool's Crown" reward.
We were heavily inspired by the insult sword fighting of the original Monkey Island, and were fortunate enough to have Dominic Armato (voice behind Guybrush Threepwood) play the role of Bjorn Skaldbeard as a cameo in this final quest!
Below is a table of every Insult and Retort available.
| Insult | Retort | Rank | Culture |
|---|---|---|---|
| I've met mudcrabs that sound smarter than you! | Conversing with crustaceans is preferable to the nonsense you spew. | Novice | N/A |
| I'd call you a witless worm, but I wouldn't want to insult worms. | An ironic statement - from one who so pathetically squirms. | Novice | N/A |
| Your attempts at wit are as feeble as a farmhand's first love letter. | Write that insult yourself? Such big words! Your vocabulary is getting better! | Novice | N/A |
| Are you sure you're a bard? You've more the poise of a milkmaid. | I grasp your error, suffering dumb beasts is a hazard in either trade. | Novice | N/A |
| You've all the charm of a Hagraven, and half the beauty. | Yet, my looks outshine your full attempt. May explain why you're so broody. | Novice | N/A |
| You're as cunning as a thrice-concussed troll. | You speak as an expert, as surely that's the only crowd you could enthrall. | Novice | N/A |
| My quips are as finely crafted as an Elven blade! | What you call "quips", everyone else calls a spluttering tirade. | Novice | N/A |
| Your features are enough to turn a sweetroll sour. | Big words from someone whose mere presence makes children laugh, or cower. | Novice | N/A |
| Your appearance is so dull - it would ruin even the liveliest gathering! | Your ability to mix up me and yourself is truly staggering. | Novice | N/A |
| Your breath could fell a dragon at fifty paces. | With your odor -- I don't think you qualify to judge others' social graces. | Novice | N/A |
| I would mock you, but your reflection did a better job than I ever could. | That's not a reflection, but a bust of yourself, carved of cheap wood. | Apprentice | N/A |
| You wouldn't know wisdom if it beat you with a mace. | Is that how you were taught such things? It would explain your face. | Apprentice | N/A |
| Your grace is that of a drunken giant. | I'd never partake in the volume of drink - to which you are so reliant! | Apprentice | N/A |
| If frumpiness were golden, you'd be wealthier than the East Empire Company! | That's a rich statement, from someone so slovenly. | Apprentice | N/A |
| Did you steal your apparel from a pile of trash? It suits you well. | I would never thieve clothes from your home! Think of the smell... | Journeyman | N/A |
| From the well of knowledge, it's clear you drink with a very small cup. | While your leaky mind forgets every drop that you sup! | Journeyman | N/A |
| You've all the shrewdness of a very confused goat. | I fear you're mistaken, that bleating you heard came from your own throat. | Journeyman | N/A |
| Even a Falmer could give you lessons in hygiene. | Better to learn from a Falmer, then to mimic your grooming routine. | Journeyman | N/A |
| Throughout Skyrim, my deeds are legend in trend! | A legend? Or a fabrication - personally penned? | Adept | N/A |
| Your witticisms are so ancient, even Dwemer would consider them dated. | Your jabs are unrefined and juvenile, I won't be so easily baited. | Adept | N/A |
| You've all the allure of a festering laceration. | In time, hurts mend. While your lack of charm is a more permanent frustration. | Adept | N/A |
| If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive... | Alas that we can't ALL aspire - for the misery to which YOU strive. | Adept | N/A |
| Do you always duel so poorly, or is today a special occasion? | I'm just going easy on you, so I may savor your humiliation! | Master | N/A |
| My tongue is a weapon, my wit a shield. | Then you're unarmed and defenseless! If I were you, I'd yield! | Master | N/A |
| Divines preserve me, your manners match a denizen of Oblivion! | The Divines have better taste - than to indulge someone of your foolish opinion. | Master | N/A |
| You're about as welcome as a chaurus in my bedroll. | You really should be grateful - for intimacy with ANY willing soul. | Master | N/A |
| My memory's perfect, never forget a face! But for you, I'll make an exception. | Did you forget? We've been over this already! I question your retention... | Legendary | N/A |
| Even a necromancer couldn't raise your reputation. | Speak from experience? For you, a dead audience is surely a common situation! | Legendary | N/A |
| A conversation with you - is as enriching as stealing from an empty chest! | Mistaken, stupid, AND a thief. I look forward to your arrest... | Legendary | N/A |
| Much like a good book, I'm well read, and full of words you've never spoken! | Tattered, worn, pages missing? No wonder your speech is so stuttered and broken! | Legendary | N/A |
| You're as dense as the evershifting branches of the Valenwood. | Seems more a case of your own poor perception, in all likelihood. | N/A | Bosmer |
| If feebleness were a virtue, I'd recommend you be made a saint. | Hah! You believe others value your opinion? How quaint. | N/A | Orsimer |
| Your attempts at verse are as elegant as a horker’s belch. | *yawn* how droll. Do all your witticisms land with a lackluster squelch? | N/A | Nord |
| You're as dim as a candle in the Prostitutes Guildhouse… | Given your frequent visits, I suppose you would know! I pity your spouse… | N/A | Breton |
| You try to shout your quips like a Greybeard, yet squeak like a skeever. | I accept no such judgement, from a tone-deaf, weasel-faced underachiever! | N/A | Nord |
| Your existence is like a quiver full of blunted arrows - pointless. | Call yourself a bard? With insults that bad, soon your purse will be - coinless! | N/A | Bosmer |
| Your resolve falters! Malacath wouldn't know whether to laugh or cry! | The only thing testing my resolve - is you. Otherwise, I've an ample supply. | N/A | Orsimer |
| You duel like a startled deer! All nerves, no finesse! | Can you blame me? Looking upon you could cause anyone distress! | N/A | Bosmer |
| Your speech is so coarse, I mistook you for a goblin stablehand! | With your proclivity to such creatures, it's easy to see how you'd misunderstand. | N/A | Altmer |
| Discourse with you is as odious - as a daedra in the Crystal Tower! | You overstate our banter. Just because you're losing is no reason to be so sour! | N/A | Altmer |
| Your taste in art is as refined as a Reachman’s palate. | Whilst your attempt to critique - hits with the brutish subtlety of a mallet. | N/A | Breton |
| Your dramatics are as dreary - as the Elder Council’s platitudes. | And yet I still outperform you by at least several magnitudes. | N/A | Imperial |
| In social settings, even a netch has more tact than you! | That jab might sting if your own rapport didn't evoke the excitement of a queue. | N/A | Dunmer |
| You've all the honor - of a thieving Alfiq in a bazaar! | Question my honor again, not even feline grace could save you from my scimitar! | N/A | Redguard |
| Tsk! From the Blackwood company, I've seen better decorum. | Your standards are as lacking as theirs, my poise is peerless in any forum! | N/A | Imperial |
| Like Darius Shano, you are the epitome of an educated fool! | The nonsense you spout is truly staggering! Did you even attend a school? | N/A | Breton |
| A bard moves with elegance, poise. You move like a pregnant cow. | Comparing me to a beast of burden? I expected better from you, somehow… | N/A | Imperial |
| Your jibes are as graceful as a blind guar stumbling through a marsh. | And you've all the intelligence of a nix-hound’s gaze… was that too harsh? | N/A | Dunmer |
| Your presence is as tolerable as a Thalmor Justiciar visiting Windhelm! | Preferable to the welcome you'd receive, one which would surely underwhelm. | N/A | Nord |
| Your singing could be mistaken for an ogre’s mating call. | You're thinking of songs overheard from your parents while you were still small. | N/A | Orsimer |
| You're about as trustworthy as a felonious Ashlander in exile! | The only thing criminal here - is your distinct lack of guile. | N/A | Dunmer |
| Your charm is as bountiful as a crop in the Alik'r desert! | Whilst your insight is as shallow - as the claim that you assert! | N/A | Redguard |
| Your aura reeks of rot, a stench only an Ash’abah could rival! | The only thing rotting here - is the mind you've left idle. | N/A | Redguard |
| Your lineage is as dubious as a Nebarra’s Pledge! | You seem very familiar with outsiders, but there lie depths I dare not dredge. | N/A | Altmer |